The Signal
Many years ago, I spent six months avoiding a conversation with a high performer on my team.
At first, it felt responsible. I told myself I needed more information. I wanted to be fair. I convinced myself the issue would work itself out if I gave it a little more time. It didn’t. What changed was me.
Frustration turned into resentment. Resentment turned into stories and assumptions. By the time I finally addressed the issue, I wasn't having one conversation anymore. I was carrying six months of frustration into a conversation that should have happened much earlier.
Since then, I've seen the same pattern repeated thousands of times while coaching leaders.
We assume most challenges are strategy problems, talent problems, or operational problems. More often, they are people problems. And at the root of most people problems are conversations that need to happen and don't.
You can usually identify them quickly. It's the conversation that keeps resurfacing on the drive home. The issue you find yourself discussing with your spouse. The person who immediately comes to mind when someone asks, "What's taking up more mental energy than it should?"
Most of us already know what needs to be said. The challenge is action.
We tell ourselves we're waiting for more information. That we're being patient. That now isn't the right time. The logic sounds responsible. More often than not, waiting only makes it heavier.
Spending weeks, months, or sometimes years carrying something that could have been addressed with one honest conversation is expensive.
When we work with leaders, avoidance typically comes from one of six places:
- Fear of conflict
- Desire to be liked
- Assumptions about how someone will react
- Waiting for the "right time"
- Past negative experiences
- Lack of confidence or skill
These are human problems.
I am on a mission to change the narrative around difficult conversations. We need to stop calling them difficult conversations and start calling them necessary conversations.
That may sound like semantics, but framing matters. When we label a conversation as difficult, we focus on the discomfort. When we label it as necessary, we focus on the purpose.
The best leaders I've worked with aren't necessarily more comfortable having these conversations. They understand that having them is part of the job.
Necessary conversations create clarity. They create accountability. And when handled with care, they create growth.
Sometimes the most caring thing a leader can do is tell the truth: clearly, honestly, and with the intention of helping someone succeed.
That's why I no longer think of them as difficult conversations. They're necessary conversations.
Over the years, I've found that the best necessary conversations are grounded in four principles:
- Courage to address the issue.
- Care for the person.
- Clarity about what needs to be said.
- Curiosity to understand before being understood.
One of the most important leadership lessons I’ve learned is avoiding the conversation doesn't protect the relationship, it changes the relationship.
The moment you stop saying what is true, something shifts. You begin managing tension instead of addressing it, carrying resentment instead of clarity, and protecting comfort instead of creating growth.
The conversation you avoid today becomes the problem you manage tomorrow.
This week, think about the conversation you've been carrying around. The one that's consuming more energy than it deserves.
When you put your week up for review, I encourage you to ask yourself:
- What am I afraid will happen if I have this conversation?
- What is already happening because I haven't?
You'll probably discover that the cost of avoiding the conversation is already greater than the cost of having it.
Having the conversation is a skill. And like any skill, it improves with practice.
Inside STEER Lab, you'll find coaching tools that help you prepare for necessary conversations, practice in real time, and receive immediate feedback.
